First One.

-10 Zulhijjah 1433-

For my future anak2, (if i have later)
this story is for u, (if u found this la)
if i cant make it,
throughout  your beautiful journey,
when i'm no longer in this world.


do you know ur Uwan has already leaving me almost two years (i don't remember actually because i choose to forget it) by now.
I choose to remember only the good and happy memories with her. How I jaga her at the hospitals, how I jaga her at rumah, my last moments with her, our last stories together. Among my siblings, i think I'm the closest to her, since i spent more time with her.

 Being the last girl surely tells how much manja I am.
Although i was in the boarding school for 5 years, it doesn't really felt like it. i still remember at the registration day, how i vomitted in the car (not sure why is that?), how i dragged her(your uwan) to my room which is at 3rd level,knowing her knees are not in good condition, but still she climbed it with all her smiles and then asking my seniors to take care of me. i still remember, the first day ,first morning i'm at the school, i called her only to hear me crying. i'm not sure if your uwan cry also because i was busy weeping myself, but i'm pretty sure i heard her laughing. she asked me whether i sleep well last nite, i replied ''OK" of course it is a lie. i'm sobbing under the pillow until my seniors worried what had happened to me. of course i didnt tell ur Uwan. Your atok and uwan always visits me during weekends, bringing foods and money. I was the happiest girl in the world when they visits me because they are super nice to my friends. I remember there is nothing like "little food" they bring along, always a feast for us. If it is holiday, your atok and uwan surely will fetch me from school, rarely they came alone. The warmth from your uwan's smiles melts me away tho i'm super tired back from school. but of course i dont tell this to your uwan. At home for the weekend, only the best food being served. i remember being asked "nak makan lauk apa hari ni? nak masak apa? nak gulai ape?". my only answer would be "ntahla, tak kesah ape ape". so not helping answers. your uwan knows that i love fish so much that she called me "kucing kepala itam". i love your wan's masak asam that i think i cannot get the taste of it anymore.nobody cooks that dish like your wan cook. i tried to make it by myself (at the age of 22) but still nothing works.

thats for now,
i want you to know that i love you as much i love my mother.

love and xx,
your mum.